Name It & Repent
An Unusual Private Ritual
I walk from the kitchen to my desk, carrying a large bowl of Fruit Loops. Not a knockoff, but the real Kellogg’s, filled to the brim and swimming in skim milk. I enjoy cereal, though I try to reach for something I consider healthier. Today, I am not particularly concerned with making the better choice as my desire for something artificial and sweet is stronger than my restraint.
So Fruit Loops it is. I sit and stare at the bowl in front of me, my journal open and pen ready, as I consider “repentance.”
Come to think of it, cereal has always seemed like a private little ritual to me. You will rarely catch me eating it in public. It’s messy, loud, crunchy. It will ruin my lipstick and leave me with the unmistakable after-breath of cereal and milk. Thinking way too hard about this bowl of cereal.
And it rarely makes an appearance at social gatherings. I’ve been to countless weddings, showers, and events, and I’ve never once been offered a bowl. In fact, it has never even been an option. To me, cereal belongs to the quiet of morning, eaten alone or in silence, before anyone can see how much sugar is in the bowl.
Perhaps that is part of why I enjoy it.
There is something comforting about indulging in something when no one is watching. No explanation is required. No one is there to question the choice or remind me that there might be something better for me. I can simply want it, choose it, and eat it.
As I finish the bowl, albeit soggy because I spent too much time contemplating it, I am satisfied for now. But even as I swallow the last spoonful, that satisfaction is only temporary. Before I know it, I will be hungry again, walking back into the kitchen and searching for something else to fill me. And now I regret eating this bowl of cereal.
Not because it was cereal. Not because I have somehow failed by eating something artificial and sweet for breakfast. But because I recognize the pattern: wanting something that looks like enough, reaching for it, being satisfied for a moment, and then discovering that the satisfaction was never going to last.
THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE.
Perhaps that is what makes me think about repentance.
Personal Story of Repentance
I have reached for things I thought would surely satisfy me. Things that looked good, felt good, tasted good, and made me believe, even if only for a moment, that this would finally be enough.
But it never was.
I kept going back, again and again, until eventually I had to be honest with myself. I had to name my sins. I had to tell God the truth about my struggles, not the cleaned-up version, not the “church” version, not the version that makes me look like I have it all together. The truth.
And it was not a pretty sight.
Repentance is more than feeling bad about what I’ve done. It is turning around. It is changing direction. It is removing the things, and sometimes the people, that cause me to stumble. It is surrendering my way for His.
And let me tell you something: there is a better way. His name is Jesus.
If you’re reading this and you’ve never been to church, or maybe you attend regularly, and hearing me say, “Jesus is the best way,” feels like another spiritual cliché, I understand. I’ve been there.
But I invite you to try Jesus.
Not religion.
Not perfection.
Not pretending.
Jesus. Call his name and He will meet you there. Need a Bible? Message me via the Contact form and I will personally mail you a Bible! Have one already? Pick it up, dust it off, and open it up.
I know what it feels like to keep reaching for something that never satisfies. And I know what it feels like to finally realize that what I needed wasn’t another thing.
I needed Someone.
That Someone was, is, and will always be Jesus.
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If you read last week’s journal entry, you’ll know I’m reading and studying in Exodus. There was so much that stood out to me, but I wanted to share a little of what I wrote about last week:
Right after Moses finally surrendered to God’s calling to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, he began making his way back to Egypt. Now remember, this is Moses; the man chosen by God to lead thousands of Israelites out of Egypt and serve as His appointed messenger to Pharaoh. I’d say he had a pretty big calling!
And yet, after Moses finally agreed to do what God had asked him to do, albeit with plenty of hesitation, while he was on his way to Egypt, the LORD sought to kill him. I’m serious. Look at this:
“At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him.” — Exodus 4:24.
I’m sitting at my desk reading this, excited that Moses FINALLY agreed to do what God had asked him to do, and then I get to this verse. I was shocked. Why would God do this? The answer is found in the verses that follow. In brief, Moses’ son had not been circumcised, so Zipporah (his wife) intervened by circumcising him. Afterward, the LORD let Moses alone. If you recall, circumcision was a requirement of God’s covenant with His people. Moses had failed to comply, and he was still living in that disobedience as he journeyed to Egypt.
That stopped me in my tracks.
Because Moses had a calling. He had heard from God. He had surrendered. He was on his way to obey. And yet, there was still something in his life that needed to be dealt with. In these verses we learn about obedience, repentance, and the things we sometimes want to carry with us even after God has called us to move forward.
An important lesson learned here: We cannot expect to walk fully in God's will while knowingly holding on to unrepented sin.
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So no more. No more pretending to be okay. No more returning to the same empty places, expecting them to finally satisfy me. No more confusing temporary satisfaction with true fulfillment. I have named my sins. I have laid them at the altar. I have confessed them to God. I have repented. And I am learning, day by day, to reach for Him instead.
Your Turn
Maybe you’re standing at that turning point right now. If so, what is it you’re holding on to? Is it something you’ve minimized because the world says it isn’t really that bad? Is it something you’ve hidden so well that no one even knows it’s there? Maybe you’ve made peace with it because acknowledging it would mean something has to change. But if it is keeping you from walking in righteousness, if it is stealing your joy, if it is keeping you from the life God is calling you to live, then name it. Name it out loud. Bring it to the light.
It won’t necessarily be easy. In fact, bringing something into the light may cost you something. You may lose relationships. You may lose comfort. You may lose the life you thought you wanted. But there is something beautiful about bringing it into the light: you no longer have to walk through the consequences alone. Jesus will hold your hand through the aftermath. He will meet you in the grief, the discomfort, the rebuilding, and even the suffering. And somehow, in ways I never understood before, you can find joy there too, not because the suffering doesn’t hurt, but because you know Who is walking through it with you. And let me remind you that if you are a believer, the “Who” in this preceding sentence is the Holy Spirit. This is the same Spirit that hovered over creation in Genesis and the same one that was with Jesus. He is powerful! Isn’t that who you want in control of your every decision?
You will find the thing you have been trying so desperately to fill was never meant to be filled by the world. It was meant for Him.
A Personal Note
God has been so good to me. Yes, pain still exists but I leave it at His feet and He and I talk through it daily, almost constantly. Things are looking up, and I truly believe He has big plans for my life. I may not know the details of those plans, but I’m doing my best to remain obedient and follow His lead, one minute and one day at a time. And… there may just be a book in the works.
These journal entries are part of that obedience. And I promise, it takes a lot of courage for me to press “publish” sometimes. Putting my heart and my healing out there for others to see isn’t always easy. So, thank you. Thank you for following along, for reading, for encouraging me, and for being part of this Healing Journey.
I don’t know exactly where this journey is taking me, but I trust the One who does.
Ashley’s Recommended Resources for seasons of Brokenness
Bible: Exodus
Book: Brave Enough to Be Broken, Toni Collier
Music Playlist Selection: I Speak Jesus, Charity Gayle; Alabaster Box, Gracie Binion; In Jesus Name, Katy Nichole
Disclaimer: This article was self-written and not the product of AI. Any use of dashes was intentionally placed by the author.