Stop. Be Still.
Control Freak
A clean mop rests in a bucket of clear water, ready to glide across the floors and leave them bright. The house is mostly in its place: only a few small stacks of clutter remain in corners I’ve tolerated, a candle flickers on the table, and knickknacks sit in their assigned spots. The house has been carefully curated over time in my favorite traditional pieces. Living with two children means I’ve long surrendered control over the spaces they claim, but the rest of the home is an intentional sanctuary. I will not let the day end with disorder; order is my closure.
Routine is safe for me. I find calm in neat surfaces and I like things that work efficiently. My closet recently reflects that same philosophy; less, but better. Only a few pairs of shoes and a curated capsule wardrobe give me freedom to mix and match just enough for an outward polish.
I take pleasure in simple things: books, candles, blankets, antiques, flowers, college football, and hands-on projects, kid events, and the like. I’m usually on the move, and when I’m still my mind rarely is. It is constantly filled with schedules, kids/family, career decisions and development, vacations, finances, yard work, planning, contingencies, i.e. back up plans for the back up plans…all the while concealing a thing eating me alive. One thing is true about me:
I.LIKE.TO.BE.IN.CONTROL.
But there is something important about the woman I’ve just described: she is not separate from the woman I’m about to describe. She is the same woman. She is I.
On the outside, I was fully functioning. I was caring for my children, keeping up with responsibilities, making decisions, moving through my days, and seemingly holding it all together. But beneath the routines, the clean surfaces, and the carefully managed details of my life, I was struggling to hold myself together. My outward ability to create order could not lessen the chaos taking place within me. I could control what was around me, but I could not control what was happening inside of me. And no amount of control was going to save me.
In contrast to the person who tended to “have it all together” in the first paragraphs above, let me reiterate to you the following which I wrote in my initial journal entry entitled “Brokenness and Surrender”:
I sobbed until my body had nothing left. My face burned; my lashes stuck together; my hair remained greasy and fell in tangles, and the rim of my nose was raw and wet. It went on for days and quite honestly, still does at times. I couldn’t eat and sleep wouldn’t come. This physical response was evidentiary of my aching heart, an ache so deep it hollowed me out. I felt alone, abandoned, secluded, confused, sad, angry and I did everything in my power to hold on to the very thing that resulted in this.
I indeed was falling apart. In my attempt to control, I was at my wit’s end. Ungodly things poured out of me and I felt lost. Anxiety overwhelmed me, my emotions were scattered, and my mind replayed the events without mercy. I felt misunderstood. Fear, loneliness, abandonment, heartbreak, and shame crowded my heart all at once. At some point, I remember crying out to the Lord to help me. You see, I had no other option. I was desperate for His tenderness and power to take control.
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I sat on the edge of the bed, taking in deep breaths and a thought came to me: “Be still. Stop fighting. When have I ever let you down? Just give it to Me. Let Me fight for you.”
In that moment, I felt held and a steady peace settling over me. I wanted to stay there. I sat and simply rested. I wanted to stay in that moment, in that assurance that I did not have to fight anymore. Quickly, it dawned on me that I couldn’t stay in that moment as desperately as I wanted to. I had responsibilities. A job. A family. Life was still happening around me. But I begged Him not to leave me. And He has remained true to His promise as of this day.
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Being still allowed me to sense His presence. It lifted my focus off my circumstances long enough for me to tell Him everything, to lay it all at His feet and leave it there.
That has been one of the hardest lessons for me: surrender is not a one-time decision. It is a daily choice to resist the urge to take back what I have already placed in His hands. My responsibility is not to control the outcome. My responsibility is to remain committed to building a relationship with Him, to listen for His voice, to trust Him when I cannot see what He is doing, and to walk in a way that pleases Him.
Letting Go
Lately, I’ve found myself in the book of Exodus where Moses is tapped to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. My goodness, I could write a whole series on how the Lord is speaking to me through this set of Scriptures but for the topic of this entry, let me show you this: Exodus 14. Let me set the scene.
Israel is enslaved in Egypt ——Moses is born and saved (remember he was placed in the basket in the Nile because Pharoah had ordered all baby boys be killed) —- Moses flees Egypt (because he killed an Egyptian and it was discovered)—-God calls Moses at the burning bush to lead the Israelites out of Egypt —-Moses confronts Pharoah —-God sends the plagues — The Passover —Pharaoh finally lets Israel go.
Okay, this is where we pick up. Now watch this…
God led the Israelites out of Egypt with Moses as the leader BUT with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night-meaning He was with them. All while they are in the process of escaping, Pharaoh changes his mind. He regrets letting the Israelites go. So, in response, he gathers His Army, chariots, and horses, and pursues them. Israel is caught between the Red Sea in front of them and Pharaoh’s army behind them. Here’s what’s interesting to me: Rather than taking the shorter route toward the Promised Land, God directs them toward the sea, where they will eventually appear trapped. God knew what they would encounter. He intentionally led them into a situation they could not control or solve themselves. There was nowhere for them to go, and their natural response was fear. Moses' response was: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:14).
Wow, wow, wow -And I wonder if, like the Israelites, I had been led to my own Red Sea. A place where every attempt to control the outcome (and a full range of emotions) had finally left me with nowhere to turn but to Him. Think about it: if the events had not occurred the way they did, you would not be here reading this.
A Personal Note
“When we run out of options, we have a divine opportunity”. A divine opportunity to be still, to stop trying to control our circumstances, and to let Him fight for us. Those words weren’t mine; they were written in the margins of my Mamaw’s Bible. I don’t know what circumstances surrounded her when she wrote them, but now, in this season of my own surrender, they feel like a gift passed from her hands to mine. A reminder that when I reach the end of myself, I haven’t reached the end of God. I now pass this gift on to you, Dear Friend, and I know she would approve.
If you’re in a season where everything feels loud, uncertain, or out of your control, I would encourage you to simply start here: stop and get still. You don’t need the perfect words or the perfect routine. Just make space for Him. Sit with Him, listen, talk, cry, read, pray, whatever comes. He is there, and He is waiting for you.
Ashley’s Recommended Resources for seasons of Brokenness
Bible: Exodus
Book: Brave Enough to Be Broken, Toni Collier
Music Playlist Selection: Every Season, Nichole Nordeman; King of Glory, Yelitza Cintron & Joe Barnes; How Can It Be, Lauren Daigle;
Disclaimer: This article was self-written and not the product of AI. Any use of dashes was intentionally placed by the author.